A Wrinkle in Time

Don't know why I cried.  Must have been the backward thrust of the plane that squeezed tears right out the corners of my eyes.  Yeah...that's it.  Then I overheard the gentleman in front of me order tomato juice from the stewardess. I decided it sounded good and could be a momentary distraction (if you like that sort of thing).  So, I sipped, and I grinned when the gentleman behind me was told that I'd taken the last one.  I sipped, and I wondered.  I wondered how we'd arrived at this point.  It kind of crept up suddenly..or maybe it just seemed sudden.  It seems these days we spend lots of time traveling back and forth to airports... and lots of time saying goodbye.      

...wouldn't have been my first choice.

I reflected on how life has changed.  Indeed, there's still the day-to-day, but somehow there are now all these other things that are reaching deeper in to the recesses of my heart.  Life keeps digging in and filling formerly vacant spots.  ...or maybe they weren't really vacant...perhaps they were just filled with fluff...like kids outgrowing clothes, or if the car needs an oil change, or if my hair needs a highlight (did I say that?)...perhaps it's like deep-well things crowding out the fluff...so I need a bigger bucket and a little more muscle, for I'm finding that the water I'm drawing from the deep well is heavier than the fluff.

Growing pains. As I began watching the expansion of my nest, and began listening to the inevitable creaks and groans of growing, I found myself in an unfamiliar place...uncharted territory for me. It brought me to a place in mothering where my shortcomings outweighed my strengths.  But, as always, I know that God is teaching me...and as usual, I'm a slow learner. Oh, I was good at the games and the bikes and the trains and the dolls, but this....this is different.   So as "growth" and "goodbye" become commonplace, and we learn way too much about airports from here to Timbuktu....achy vacancies take up residence in a mother's heart, and each one resembles the face of a beautiful child.

"Mother, should I be a painter or a writer?"
"I think whichever one you love, Faith."
"Wouldn't it be funny if I was an opera singer?!"
"Oh, please don't be an opera singer."

On my last visit to Nashville, we worked at the Son of God tour.  We tried to keep busy and act like we knew what we were doing and had a blast.  Just before the concert, an older gentleman sat down beside me, smiled at me, and said, "So, what's God been saying to your heart lately?"  At first I was taken aback, but then I realized what an amazing question it really was.  So I shared with him how God's been working with me in regard to fear and worry.  "I learn alot from asking people this question," he told me.  It became something I will never forget.  He kept rocking forward in his seat during the concert like he could hardly tolerate remaining in his seat.  At one point, Mitchell, Emily, and I all jumped to our feet at the exact same moment....and right up beside me came this gentleman.   And he began to dance.  And dance.  And it was a shameless, full-on, don't-care-who's-watching dance.   And we danced along.

He became to us, "the man who couldn't contain his dance."  Sometimes you have these short encounters with people who leave a mark on your heart.

Never contain your dance.

"Mother, you know how when you're used to having someone around and then they're not there, it just feels like they're.......   gone?"

"Oh, I know, baby girl."

One child (who could remain nameless except that said child's name is on the paper and you'd figure it out anyways) has insatiable curiosity which resulted in a two week long discipline chart.

She is such a doll

And then there was this one that she was asked to write today in response to....well, it's pretty self explanatory...

I was just thinking today about how I used to imagine her.  I used to picture her walking around the house...and then here she came...walking through the kitchen, black hair bobbing cutely in a ponytail, nose in a book reading as she walked...and I was amazed at how much she resembled my imaginings.

                                           Reading while swinging?
                            (terribly blurry, grabbed my phone and took it through the window)

Getting to tell someone something that you've always wished you could tell them.  Now there's something...

Like getting to tell Dave Ramsey your son is going to college on cash.  Yes, I was star struck and the giddy-ness showed.

Been working on organizing photos.  Been pulling out oodles of old photos in order to organize.  Pulled out an adorable photo of Matthew.  "Are you gonna cry again, Momma?"  Darn kids anyways!

Three things:

  1.  When you're rounding the corner at Wally-world and your child says, "I love beef jerky.  It's good on digestion."  That's just wrong on so many levels.

2.  When your child sticks gum on what you consider to be the nicest fixture left in your house.

3.  When you know beyond any doubt that God chose so well for you in the lifetime mate department.

Oh, how I love this man.  He is my constant re-focus-er when my vision becomes blurry.

"Do you think I look like my first mother?"
"You probably do."
"Do you think she'll look for me?"
...and when I turned from the sink to look at her, she had tears in her eyes.  And I explained again...as best I could...again.

On the 4th of July we celebrated with large ice cream blizzards to watch the fireworks.  The forever people-watcher, I had to think there was something so American about a little girl plopping down in front of us on her spread-out Hello Kitty blanket with a family-sized bag of cheesies.  When the fireworks finale' ended, Faith exclaimed for all to hear, "America is alive and free!"  Then we laughed.

"When I'm a mom, I'm just gonna get a huge chalkboard and write all the rules on it!"
Good luck with that.

"I have a little voice inside my head that repeats everything I say."
"You mean you have an echo in your head?"
"Yes.  Don't you wish you could get shrinked down so you could travel in someone's mind and see what they're thinking?"
"Wouldn't it be easier just to ask them?"

Forthwith, this shall be the end of my ramblings.

          

 I'll finish off with a few of the kid's individual shots.

Of Mismatched Socks and the Beauty of You

There was no doubt that it was the one.  We gals have all been comparing notes on hats and swimsuits in preparation for the beach.  Faith tried on as many hats as she could reach from the cart seat, but every one of them covered her eyes.  It was the one with the white ribbon around it that caught my eye.  I put it on and maneuvered my shopping cart around to the mirror to see if it made me look good or stupid.  I guess I'm a little vain, but I prefer things that don't make me look stupid.  It passed the mirror check, but upon closer examination, I discovered a small smudge mark on it.  Of course, it was the only one of it's kind left.  I debated putting it back.  That's why it was so good that Faith was there to advise me.  "Don't worry, Mother," she said. "No one will notice the spot.  They will be too busy looking at the beauty of you."

Mitch and I decided a long time ago, to work really hard at family, to make a special point of having special places and special things that we only do together....and to work really hard at relationships and passing down what's important.   New twists and turns along the parenting highway have challenged us to examine and refocus.  I was looking back in my journals the other day.  It was a moment so peaceful and quiet that I did some back reading in an old prayer journal...been a little bit reflective lately I guess.   I found several important things in there.

So often I find important things gathering dust.  This small writing was "gathering dust".  I remember that a message on having a family purpose statement, spurred me to write it.  Although I am ever conscious of its truth, I had almost forgotten it was written.  The thought occurred to me that I wish I could read the minds of my children in order to see how we're truly doing.  I guess it's good to write it here for all the kids to read.  It goes like this:
                                                              * * * * * * * * *
This family is about togetherness and serving one another.  It's about forging on and building a legacy of love and serving, that will pour down through the generations.  It's about committing to each other that with God's help we will do this together.  It's about building a family that's worth repeating.
                                                              * * * * * * * * *

                                    Heading back to Nashville.

I won't lie...watching my two oldest start to plan weddings has shaken me to my core.  I find that as a homeschooling / stay-at-home / 24/7 / 365 mom, my identity pretty much is my children.  I won't argue that that's right or wrong.  I'm simply thinking out loud.   It's as if somewhere along the way, who I am... kind of faded into who they are, and I don't really know who I am without them anymore.  I guess it's one of the many inexplicable things about mothering.  I have found a new gratefulness for all things needy....from laundry and stuck zippers, to spills and pb&j....and as I watched Faith hop down from reading Robert Louis Stevenson with me and skip off to read her own book, I realized how thankful I was that there was still someone under four feet tall who calls me Mother skipping through the house.

My ticket and snack tray for Faith's doll's violin concert.  It was a cardboard "viline" concert.  

             Best part is that, according to my ticket, I'm younger than I thought I was!

                                                 * * * * * * * * *

We couldn't wait to share Hershey's Chocolate World with the girls.  Being from so far away, neither had ever been there.  It is one of our "places".  We've been there so many millions of times that Mitch says, "Hershey is on the way home from everywhere," and indeed, we have ventured far, far out of our way on countless trips over the years so that we could stop at Chocolate World.

We had a wonderful day.  Family day trips are my favorite.  It's been such a long, cold winter, but we loved every minute of trudging through the snow down the pathways and riding the chocolate tour lots of times as usual.

We learned that Kelli is, indeed, a Jolly Rancher; and that, contrary to our belief, she is big enough to go on all the rides.  (if it were summer)

I cannot put into words the extreme joy I felt to just have everyone in the same place at the same time.  It was so wonderful that it hurt my heart in a really deep place.

Just like in every other part of the country this year, we've had a doosey of a winter.  Kelli got to witness a snow storm that dumped two feet of snow.  She'd never seen anything like it.  We took her out at night.  We wanted her to hear that "sound"...or lack of sound.  That amazing way it sounds outside at night when there's a deep, new blanket of snow on the ground.  Sadly, we didn't remember to stop and be still and listen, we were too busy playing.  But what was interesting to me was that each one of the boys mentioned to me that we needed to have her listen to that "sound"(or lack therof)...that muffled, hushed-ness of a thick blanket of snow.

 Emily, on the other hand, thinks two feet of snow is just a skift of a ground covering.  We went ice skating with Emily (which I hope to do more of in the years to come)....and I tried really hard not to act all weird and ask her to do tricks...because she was a competitive figure skater which I think is wayyyy cool!  She says I could have asked her more.  Next time I will be doing just that.

Nate made it home for a few days at Christmastime.  All the guys were thrilled because he even got to stay over a few days while Katie was visiting her sister.  I love this blurry photo because I love how interested all the boys are listening to what Nathan is saying.

(blurry cell phone photos!)

and we celebrated Chinese New Year.  So grateful to Jennie for planning this special night to remember in honor of Faith.  It was complete with lots of decorations, a paper dragon, chopsticks, Chinese trivia, and...oh yeah...salsa and tortilla chips?

                                     * * * * * * * * *

I suppose this is the place in the post where I start listing off odd-ball thoughts and random happenings.  Well, I suppose it has to be done.  So, here goes....

Faith laid down rules for Mitchell and Emily a few months ago...all of which they have broken.  Her rules were as follows:  No holding hands, No kissing, and No giving rings.  She has informed them that they broke them all.  Last week, on the night we told the kids that Mitchell was going to propose, Faith hopped down from the dinner table, ran to the bookcase and brought back a book she claimed Mitchell HAD to read.  It is Joshua Harris's book I Kissed Dating Goodbye !!

You will remember that Faith is adamantly against "kissing on the lips".  She has recently assured us, however, that she thinks by the time she is grown up, she'll   "be able to handle it."


Christian, the resident "Master of Swag" as he has come to be known, has begun to bake on a regular basis.  Everyone in the family seems to love this new hobby of his....except my waistline.  His baked goods seem to be tastier and fluffier than mine.  Seeing as how he loves baked goods and I don't bake much any more, he has apparently felt the need to take matters into his own hands.  He is already choosing what he wants to bake at our beach house in May..this way he can give the recipes a trial run.

I suppose the upcoming section will most likely center on Faith-wisdom.  Faith-wisdom is good for everyone though, right?  Inevitably we come to the place where this happens in every post.

Faith, sitting at lunch yesterday asked me if I liked tuna.  I said no.  She told me she loved it....told me it was soooo good.  Told me she wondered how I could not like it.  I argued with her that it's really not that good.  I finally realized we weren't on the same page when she told me she eats it at church.  Finally figured it out....she was talking about Nutella.  I can see how she confused the two.

"Mother, is God everywhere?"

"Yes, everywhere."

"Even in Hollister?!!!!"

Faith heading to church with mis-matched socks:  "No one will notice that my socks don't match.  No one looks down these days.  Everyone is always looking up at their phones.

Faith recently informed us that she never eats anything organic.

  Then she got in the cupboard and pulled out a bottle of Great Value ORIGINAL pancake syrup as an example of the "organic" things she never eats.

Using duck tape is a great way to find out if you have any mustache hair.  

(Yeah, that one was hard to watch)

"You know how Ben Franklin discovered electricity? ....Well, it doesn't work!  Because when it's lightning outside, the electricity goes OUT !!!          (Bet you never thought of that one did you?)

Jumping in on a discussion about the Titanic, she boldly declared that they had, indeed, brought the Titanic "back up".  She ran to the bookcase (as she does on a regular basis, for she reads every book in the entire house)...ran to the bookcase, brought back a book on the Titanic, flipped quickly open to the page about artifacts found on the ocean floor, began to read out loud a part she was using to prove her point (I could see why the wording made her think that).  She then explained that they had not only brought up the ship, but also brought up stuff they found....like gold, jewels, and root beer!

* * * * * * * * *

"Looking at the beauty of you."
What if we all looked at the beauty of each other...because, you know, God gave us each something so different and so unique and so beautiful in its own way.

Ever wonder what we will remember of this life once we are in heaven?  I do.  Hindsight being amazing, imagine having that view of all of life.  How could we remember trials, or even great joys for that matter, with no tears?  Imagine being able to look back over the long haul and see how God was working and weaving us into His bigger picture.... remembering what tough places and trials felt like, but knowing them then from the other side... and finally putting into perspective the smallness of what once seemed so big.

God's big-ness and my smallness become ever more apparent the longer I live...and His working and intervention in this life become ever more evident.  I am slowly chipping away at the things that keep me from completely trusting without fear, as I look back in amazement at the ways He has shown Himself so clearly.  So glad that I serve a God that's far too big for my feeble comprehension.

  ...the beauty of You

God, let us ever be looking at "the beauty of You."