Little bit of longing

So I've been a bit off balance.  A little out of sorts.   Been "kinda sad", ... that I can put my finger on...

But it's the "something else" that I can't quite name...

It's a little bit of "something's missing", a little bit of ache and a little bit of longing

There are some Momma Fears that we all share...I think.

Here's one...some day I'm gonna look back and wish I had spent more time, read more books, played more games, simply wish that I'd done, well, .........more.

I've thought about it, and continue to do so, with each child.  I thought about it the other day, but it came at me from a different angle.  It came at me from the far end looking back.  And I was surprised to find that the view was different than I had expected.  I don't remember the books I couldn't read or the games I couldn't play.....but I remember the things we DID read, and the things we DID play.     

cause when you pack up a piece of your heart and send it far away,

you don't wanna have any regrets

                         

The all-star jerseys beside the shirt that New York firefighters gave him

at the Shanksville memorial when he was twelve...that was an amazing day...

because sometimes you have a day where something extraordinary happens.

 Dozens of trophies and a mom wonders where all the time went...

but comfortingly, it's been a quarter to seven in his room for about the past five

 years....so,some things never change.

   

so you do whatcha gotta do...

we packed him up

and when we were loaded...

and after one final Sheetz stop since there aren't any there

we headed south...

and this is the view from his dorm....

Downtown Nashville

We got there early and had to wait till move-in time

What I believe to be the world's largest dorm room....

and amazingly 3 guitars, a pedal board, an amp, and an amp head all fit under the bed, as did the box for a 32" TV fondly known as his computer monitor...because who could ever run pro-tools to do music production on a regular size monitor ?!  That would be unthinkable.

and we made the typical walmart run...you know the one where the walmart around the corner is

full of moms and dads in university t-shirts, buying lamps and rugs, and such

and we bought a rug

and I should have bought more than one t-shirt... cause I'm gonna wear it out

  

Move-in weekend.... structured as a family event, with

 Saturday picnic and Sunday morning family worship.

Student games on the lawn, one of which appeared to be some

sort of dancing game, to which his brothers commented that they 

didn't feel he had enough "swag" to be participating in...

...and Matthew danced in the parking lot as he offered this comment regarding his brother

The music in this place!  Oh, the music...so much music... beautiful.  He will love it here, so much.  It is the school of his dreams...the city of his dreams.  

and the Dean told a story from his college experience. 

He said, "We were told, 'Look to your right and look to your left.  Soon only one of you will be left here'."  The Dean said, "I decided when I got a chance to speak into students' lives I would tell a different story."  Then he told the kids to look to their right...then look to their left.  He said, "You are here to help the people sitting beside you."  

Sunday morning family worship was wonderful.  Worship is our "thing" anyways.  So it was the one time that I let tears fall freely as I stood there lost among the hundreds of other parents with hands raised to the Father.

 I will never in all my days, with words spoken or sung, be able to give back to God even a small measure of what He has given to me by allowing me to lead worship with my sons.

eternally grateful

and then the college leadership donned their formal garb...

and they prayed for the students...that they would do their best, 

and that they would serve a purpose higher than themselves, and 

that they would remain true to the Lord.

I watched another mother extend her tears and hugging beyond their acceptable length as her son stood near a crowd of students...and I determined that I would never do that even though that's how I felt.

We left him far.  But we left him at the most beautiful music college in the country.  And we left him in the land of  "Yes, Ma'am" and "Yes, Sir".  It's so him.  So I know it's wonderful.  I watched him, my confident, competent son...and I knew it was so completely right up his alley.  And I know he's an adult, and I know he has waited a long, long time for this...but I was still thankful for sunglasses to hide the tears when we stepped out of the arena.

and his dad, my sweet man, said he'd walk with him a ways... you know, to tell him some things. 

 Whatever it is that dads tell sons.  And then, I watched him walk off...

So maybe I'm a little off balance, and maybe I'm not even quite whole right now, and maybe I even wonder a bit if God gave me a strong enough heart to be a mother, cause all that diapering....heck, that was a walk in the park!  But I know that the Father laid out this day for my son long before He gave him to me.  I know it's his time....and I know this is what he was meant to do at this moment in time..

....and I also know that joy is a choice...a daily choice, not something we always "feel", but something we choose to "be"... and I always want to be joyful.  I do.  Because my goodness, the God of the Universe loves us and isn't that reason enough even without all the plethora of blessings He pours on us?  

So I'll choose joy...really I will...and I'll even get back to being not "off-balance" too... 

....maybe tomorrow