The road has been hard and I haven't always written everything or told anyone some things because some things were too painful to share. I am thankful beyond words to be on this side of the process and more than anything...to be on this side of last week. I want to thank all of you who prayed and let you know your prayers were answered! I think I was somewhat prepared for all the things we went through in China, but I was completely unprepared for what we faced during our first week at home. Looking into the eyes of a child devoid of love, caring, or joy was bone chilling. I will never forget the look in her eyes. I will also never forget the day that look disappeared. I won't go into details but I will leave it at saying this:
We are pleased to announce that we now have a normal, happy 2 year old.
Faith still has issues common to adoptive children. She becomes insecure very easily. She does suffer from night terrors but from what I've read from other parents, hers are not too bad. She will just all of a sudden scream in her sleep in the middle of the night...it sits you straight up in bed....fun. She gets very sad and starts to whimper when she sees her pajamas or when we tell her it's time for bed. And of course her language. Here is my main prayer for her right now: That her English would develop really quickly so that we can tell her about Jesus!
Back in June, I sent a disposable camera to the orphanage. I was amazed when the orphanage director handed it to me on our gotcha day. I was really excited to see the photos when I picked them up today. However, it was very disappointing. They just snapped the whole role of her walking around right outside the office of the orphanage. Nothing much to see except that I was appalled by seeing the terrible exposure her split pants offered her. The pediatrician told us last week that what I thought was some type of diaper rash is really scarring from cuts and abrasions. In the pictures she was sitting on cement steps and a stone parking lot. Does that make ANY sense??!?
Faith is enjoying riding a tricycle and even went for a family bike ride on the back of daddy's bike.
I have been trying to spend lots of time with my parents, my aunt, etc. to get her used to them and she is doing well. Today she walked happily around my grandparents living room without shying away.
Love to you all.
Glad to be on this side of things.
1 comment:
Cherie,
I am glad to hear you are doing better. It is difficult; and, if you have never gone through it, it is impossible to understand fully. I am not sure if it makes sense or not, but maybe it will to you: I remember looking into Emma's eyes when she first came home. I was trying to look for a sign that she understood me and that she knew I was her mom. I wanted her to know she was safe and that she would be held and loved and fed and clothed and cherished; but, her eyes were so black. Black not just in color (which almost stops you in your tracks and doesn't allow you to look any deeper) but also in emptiness.
We are experienced moms and maybe that is why it is more difficult. Our bond with our babies was instantly evident. They were a physical part of us. Though these precious jewels are part of us also, they are not "of" us. That trust has to be earned and learned. It comes, Cherie, it comes! With time, patience, frustration, fear, love, tears, laughter, etc...it comes.
I am sitting here writing this - remembering and crying. I thought I was the only woman who ever felt so distant from her child. I wondered if we would ever have that bond a mother and child share. It was made more difficult when everyone would focus on her "Chinese-ness" instead of her being part of our family. So many times I felt like I was a horrible person because I couldn't make it better or prove to her that I was a "good lady". You know what I mean?
I can tell you that just this year, and Emma is almost 6, Emma looked at me and said, "I really really love you Mommy". It was when she asked Jesus into her heart. She gets it fully now. Oh, I know she knew we loved her long before now, but something is different. She truly has become one of us in every sense of the meaning. Her brothers tease her and correct her. Emma is no longer our Chinese adopted daughter...she is our daughter!
When I saw Faith's coping mechanism of rubbing her arm over her eyes, it so reminded me of Emma. One day you will go "hey, she doesn't do that anymore." It will just be gone.
She is so precious and will come to know you as "Mommy" in every sense of the word with time. It's a name at first, but then it becomes so much more. As for telling her about Jesus, well I am sure you are doing that already. She sees Him in you all every day! She will learn about His love through your love and about His faithfulness through yours.
I can't wait to come visit again soon. Let me know when. Are you back to homeschooling already? How is that going with Faith? She will learn quickly - trust me. You are going to be great - all of you.
I love you,
Lisa
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